The Ghost that hunts me....the Lament of a Woman in Doubt

Trust is an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something...

"you said you love me..you said I'm your future...you said I'm your life...your everything but how could you still be "distracted" by her", she asked. silence. awkward silence. " i don't know", he answered quietly. more silence and the conversation slowly drifted until it was gone. a familiar pain pinched her heart. sadness and bitterness consumed her for the moment....then a blank wall....

"is the love i gave him not enough?" she asked herself. more questions. "am i not thoughtful and caring enough?" more rationalizations. " i do remember that i always make him laugh; i do remember that i always try my best to support him; i do remember that i try my best to be a "superwoman" but still....SHE still beats me." the green-eyed monster is slowly taking shape clouding her judgement. then lastly she asked, "what does the future hold now...will this be the ghost that haunts me?" then she realized she has an angel. she smiled faintly at him and said, "don't worry sweetheart, mama is here." a tear fell.


*written 07/01/07 01:40 am

Flow of consciousness

the boss is sleeping like a babe. stillness. darkness. pitch-black. one can hear a pin drop as the old saying goes. sleep eludes me. when his heart wonder will he be able to lead it back to me. insecurity and doubt fill my heart. shall i look for a confidante? but where will i start? will i go to the same confidante but is she credible enough?five, six, seven laps. pant. breath. pant. do i still know how to swim?it was a long time ago. i miss the crappy pool. while i struggle for air, i see teach sitting quietly on her table. doing her usual things-reading, reading and reading. these maniacs don't have anything better to do than sit and gawk. perhaps he is still in the process of accepting his status. we only have been legally together for tin maand.lolo is hurt. I'm worried. i hope he will understand. temptation. amidst all the sorrows and pains, i know You will not forsake me. in all the uncertainties and troubles...

*written 03/01/07 06:24 am

Does mental monogamy exist?

i have read in a magazine that mental monogamy means total faithfulness. a lot of people claim that they are loyal and faithful to their better half but are actually seeking and or chatting with other women online. i only have been married for more than one year and i know my relationship really havent gone through the "test" as others call it. its not easy to believe a person when you discovered that he is actually seeking and or chatting with other women online. is chatting with other women harmful to a relationship? in the first place, if you say that your busy why would you seek women and chat with them. very ironic for somebody who is busy or are you really busy at all?
a friend, whom i always idolized for her strength and resilient, told me before i went back to fairy tale land that i should not ask my boss too much questions. she said men, in general, doesnt like to be questioned. the last advise is dont let things get into your nerve. now that was not easy to follow. me and my boss met in the internet and i fear that he might meet somebody in the internet and replace me. i have been trying to overcome this fear since i got back. sometimes i am able to surpass it but sometimes its too much to handle that i just end up crying. it becomes extra hard when i discover things. a friend once said what you dont know, wont kill you. very true...shall i just shrug the things i discovered and pretend that i am having a grand time?